Today on the blog we have a special guest. He’d like to remain anonymous for various reasons, so we’ll call him Officer Fargo
Hello, first I’d like to thank you for being on All Things Strange and Unusual.
Not at all, and thank you, Ms. Lane, for having me.
My first question is about where you work or used to work or might know someone who worked there…
Ah, Yes. Weeeellll. I once worked at the We All Scream soda parlor and Ice Cream Shoppe in town, but that probably isn’t what you’re asking, is it? Hmmmm. I didn’t think so. So can I talk about where I worked before? Why yes. Yes, I can. Can I give you names and detailed information about my former co-workers. No, I’m afraid that’s classified under Private Information Act mummbledy jummbledy.
But it was the forest. I was a ranger. Worked quite well with my partner, Officer Doolittle, you know.
Interesting, so what kind of stories do you have from there?
Oh my goodness. Whew! But do you have time? No of course you don’t, not for all of them. But can I give you a little hehe, teaser? You betcha.
So you know the old adage about if bears you know, do their business in the woods?
Well they do, I tell you! And it’s kinda greasy and nasty… and there’s sure to be a lot of it.
But they also use lavatory—provided the particular bear feels it’s just right for him or her. And the bed. And the table. And the salad fork, oh bears can be very eloquent around dinner time you know.
But yeah, I had to deal with a bear family of three before. They had a little girl problem.
How many people go missing on a yearly basis? Have there been any deaths?
Deaths? Missing? Um… well…. There’s never been anything out of the ordinary. Actually, that’s not true. In the past few months we have had a few young ladies go missing and investigators searching the woods. At first they though it was a wolf from timber country, but oh I doubt that very very very seriously. The wolves they have up there are barely Chihuahuas! Scrawniest things you ever did see!
Have you ever spotted any men in black suits?
Only around town. They come and go from city hall on occasion. All official business, you understand. Court and so on, you know?
Do you come across a lot of campers? I recently noticed there are a lot of outdoorsy people that go there, and I can’t figure out why.
Oh, that’s because of the UFOs. And then this whole wolf thing.
Now, on to more pressing matters. Have you seen or spotted any large wolf-like creatures when there is a full moon?
Oh, you betcha. All kinds of moons, but yearly we get the ones from the forest howling up a storm around here.
Have you captured or seen any peculiar animals that there’s just no natural evolutionary explanation for?
Now, I think that may just sound a bit racist, don’t you? But no. But I’m biased. I just love all the goddesses creatures, you know?
What would you tell anyone planning to visit (if he works at Bottomless Pit/or Bitter Animal)?
Interesting, so would a Kevlar tent be out of the question? Do they make those?
What the hecks a cavalier tent? Oh. Ohohoh! Yes! Those are really nice. You can set up a foyer and have a dining room. I simply love camping in style. Oh and do bring the appletini.
Do you find it difficult to get things done, are you asked or was your friend asked, to sweep things under the carpet, so to speak?
We don’t do that sort of thing. We have a contracted maid service that cleaned our offices weekly. Though I do remember one of the girls stopped showing up. She was so nice, too. And pretty. The blondest hair you ever did see. Say, that was only a few months ago, now that I think about it.
Do you think there is a larger conspiracy at work to cover things up and keep the people of Logansville in the dark?
Oh that’s silly. Who would ever do such a thing? I mean, what’s there to even cover up around here? Silly rabbit!
Interesting stuff, some great answers to give the readers something to think about. Thanks for being on, and hope to have you again…
Oh the pleasure was all mine, Ms. Lane. And you have to tell me where you got that ridiculously gorgeous sweater. Maybe we can do appletinis at Shakers one evening? On me
And that’s all folks, and you know I’m serious when I say this – if you like camping perhaps I can interest you in a knitting club or a bowling league?